PART 1 ZAPP: You wanted to see me for a new mission, Admiral Gordon? GORDON: That depends, Brannigan. Can you keep a secret? ZAPP: Of course. In fact I'm currently keeping no less than eight secrets in port towns across the galaxy. GORDON: Good. here, take a sip of this black stuff. ZAPP: (sip) Wow! This is a lot better than Coke or Pepsi! GORDON: Indeed, but that is no mere Brand X. That liquid is what we call Black spirit, an energy-enriched, immensely concentrated substance like Dark Matter, except it goes down smoother without the unpleasant aftertaste. It's the most important substance in the universe except for some other equally improbable ones we'll get to later. We want you to protect the miners that are digging it up. ZAPP: I accept. I shall secure the location of this minor plot device. GORDON: Good. You can take fifty of our best men, except for the ones who have been promoted above Ensign. ZAPP: What? Can't I have some more experienced staff for this criticial mission to protect the most valuable discovery humans have ever made against countless alien invaders? Or at least an adequate supply of cannon fodder? GORDON: Oh okay, you can have three lieutenants but don't push your luck Brannigan. And stop pouting man. Now go, will you? Your very presence is making me want to go get drunk. ANNOUNCER: MEANWHILE, A LARGE METAL SPHERE PASSES IN FRONT OF A BIG STAR SPHERE: Daa da. Daa da. Daa da daa da daa da daa da daa da daa da... PART 2 ZAPP: Dear Admiral Gordon. Screw you and your confidential secrets, I'm telling the entire base about Black Spirit. Love and smooches, your secret admirer, Captain Zapp Brannigan. GORDON: Whisky. Now. DOOMED CREWMEMBER: He interuppted our game of Speedball to tell us about some kind of superfuel? Come on Donovan, hit start and unpause this thing. ZAPP: Men, we're all here for a purpose, which quickly gets a lot of existential angst out of the way. KIF: Thank god. ZAPP: I need a crew of fifty expendable men to help protect the Black Spirit mining facility on this map. KIF: But Captain, that's a map of Baghdad. ZAPP: A minor technicality. In any case, there's a sign up sheet by the door, just where the Softball team sheet usually is. I hope many more of you will be following the example of Lieutenant Babe Ruth. Dismissed! ZAPP: Are we ready to leave yet? KIF: Nearly Sir. Ensigns Donald Duck and Fred Flintstone havn't arrived yet. In fact there's nobody in DOOP with those... ZAPP: They volunteered, so they must have wanted to go. If they can't catch the ship they'll just have to make their own way there. Now take the bridge Kif, I'm going to go debrief the lieutenants. And don't sit in my chair, I'll be checking for indentations in the cushions. NOT WILL RIKER: You wanted to see us Captain? ZAPP: Yes, I was just about to tell you we're going to a completely inhospitable planet, where there's intolerable heat, no oxygen, little light and random earthquakes, where the shriners and the lepers play their ukelelies all day long and anyone in the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel. LIEUTENANTS: ... ZAPP: We're going there to protect the facility that makes Black Spirit. It takes seventeen and a half seconds to make a perfect pint of this stuff, so we could be there a while. I hope you had some kind of meaningful intimate congress before you left, because I expect to get the exclusive attention of any roughneck ladies down there. ANNOUNCER: MEANWHILE, SOMEWHERE ELSE LIZARD: Baluddy hell, it's hot here. I'm going to the mountains next summer. LIZARD: Hey, whats that in the sky? LIZARD: Oh, it's not a space station. It's the moon. LIZARD: That on the other hand... LIZARD: Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. LIZARD: THIS SUCKS! (squelch) KIF: We've arrived at the facility, Sir. ZAPP: Hm... barren wasteland, rock spires, volcanoes, distinct lack of green slave girls... are you sure this is the right place Kif? You know I don't do "Square" planets like this. KIF: It is. See, here's the commander. NOT PICARD: Pleased to meet you Brannigan, I'm Commander Hew-Let Packard. KIF: Um, shouldn't that be Jean-Luc Pic... NOT PICARD: Sssh! Do you want us to get sued? BLUE HAIRED LAWYER: Sir, I represent the estate of Groundskeeper Willy. I have a court order demanding an immediate halt of this unauthorised imitation. KIF: Yeesh... ZAPP: Good to meet you Commander, I'm Captain Zapp Brannigan. This whiner is Kif Kroker, and these are Lieutenants Bill Raker, Beta, George La-Gorge and Wharf. KIF: You have got to be kidding me. You, lawyer! Can't you do something about this lot? BLUE HAIRED LAWYER: No, they're protected by the fair use clause and the fact you don't have enough money to hire me. GROUND: SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE ZAPP: What the hell was that? NOT PICARD: Well it wasn't a sandworm. They all fried in the lava seas. MULDOON: Look, up in the sky! ZAPP: It's a moon! NOT PICARD: It's a Space Station! NOT RIKER: No... it's Supersphere! (TM) ZAPP: So Commander... giant purple beams smashing through the planet's crust. This happen often? FLEXO: Oh man, I'm falling into a huge crevasse in the mantle. I'm gonna be the first minor character killed off in Universe of Malice, the start of a long, glorious, pointless tradition! Nah I'm just kidding, I'm not exactly thrilled. YEAAAARGH! NOT RIKER: Come on Kif, we have to escape! KIF: Huh? Who died and left you in charge? ZAPP: Aagh! A drill! KIF: Oh. Never mind, lets go. NOT RIKER: Here's a ship. Mess around with this mysterious device while I fly us to the force field. KIF: Hey, there's a plot device in this device! Whatever it is, looks like it worked. We've escaped. NOT RIKER: Yes, and we're the only ones. Lets head for a planet I know that thing isn't going to hit. KIF: So you knew that thing would probably hit us? NOT RIKER: Sorta. KIF: And you just happened to have a fast escape vehicle and the means to circumvent that force field to hand? NOT RIKER: Yeah. KIF: And you are the only survivor out of all the (coughs) "original" characters that came with us? NOT RIKER: What are you getting at? I did save your life you know. KIF: I'm on to you, Raker. PART 3 FRY: Man, I'm bored. Not even this long running animated TV show can keep my attention. BENDER: I'm not surprised, it's wacky, unfunny crap! Season 1015 is a huge disappointment so far! If it doesn't get any better I might consider possibly not watching some of season 1016 at all. FRY: Well, at least we'll always have the old episodes in syndication. All 26374 of them. LEELA: I don't believe it. The Simpsons fans have ignored a thousand years of cultural evolution! Well, I guess that's typical. FARNSWORTH: Good news everyone! FRY: No it's not. It never is! FARNSWORTH: You have a delivery to make to New Zealand, Australia's Canada. The parcel's to go to the centre of Zealandish tyranny, the Beehive. And since we're in the habit of taking orders of undisclosed goods from anonymous callers to be stored in our own space you have a package to bring back with you, customs and security risks be damned. LEELA: Well, lets get this over with. PLANET EXPRESS SHIP: Zoooom! LEELA: Well here we are, New New Zealand. FRY: And here's the Beehive. Owww, the polititians are stinging me! LEELA: Fry, we need a human-sized beehive. New Zealand doesn't have bees as it's polititians, it has... ... ... sheep. SHEEP: Baaaaaa. FRY: We brought your package, Ms Prime Minister. SHEEP: Baaaaaa. FRY: So if you could just put your hoofmark here Mamn... SHEEP: Baaaaaa. PRIME MINISTER: Hold on Deputy PM Dolly. I'll sign for that. LEELA: Well, here's your delivery - a bone-china All Blacks mug.